9 years

I am still missing you.

How you smile amidst the realities of the grown up world you inhabit: the troubles of a broken marriage, the struggle of bringing up 2 children almost on your own, and not bowing to the career politics you never wanted to play. How you can still think of others beyond your own family.

A brilliant mind buried in the backroom and just going on silently...not fighting for your worth but who oftentimes fought for others'.

Uncomplaining and humble yet you exude courage and confidence. You taught independence, belief in oneself, pride, compassion, good manners and forgiveness by example. You always knew when to coddle or scold, and never being ashamed of expressing your love. Always letting go and trusting us to forge our own way but silently watching and ready, to hug, kiss or make us smile and putting things in perspective.

A lot of these I need to put in practice for I am not as courageous yet. In all my independence I am still a child in may ways. Still the same girl who like and is quiet at home, who is happy to follow than lead and leave the decisions to the old. :) Quite the opposite when I am at work. A girl who often times hide and is afraid of loving someone new but can let go once you get close, for friends and family, not as freely as you did but slowly.

I am in awe when I see a lot of the things you did before made more sense now and some are just being done when you did it ages ago.

I thank you for being the strongest, selfless, loving and warm woman I've ever known. Thank you for making us appreciate and see the beauty of family, music, simplicity, good food, respect and love.

So many thoughts of if you were here, how I wish you were here. 9 years on and I am still missing you...




11:35 pm 7/12/2011 for July 16th

Strings

the sound of guitar strings
more of how it feels
and i long for many things
that cannot be in my choice

questions keep coming back
why do i linger, why am i here
and i remind myself of that first time
when i knew exactly why at the start

then it was different
and every day it faded
every minute it changes
until i am back and can smile


> june 17, 2011 9:25am